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Posts Tagged ‘Rage’

EPISODE 2: Respect My Authoritah

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX POOL – LATE AFTERNOON

STRANGE WOMAN lounges by the pool, barely paying attention to her two daughters, who appear to be around six and eight years old. The earbuds she is wearing indicate she is listening to music.

DOMINIC and GIDEON and THEIR STILL-UNHAPPY-IN-HER-BATHING-SUIT MOTHER WHO IS BEGINNING TO WONDER IF SHE HAS A HORRIBLE DISEASE THAT IS CAUSING HER TO HAVE CONSISTENTLY SWOLLEN ANKLES AND A WEIRD ARM RASH enter the pool.

DOMINIC
Let’s play Friday the 13th! I’ll be Jason.

GIDEON
OK.

DOMINIC (to girls in the pool)
Do you want to play?

GIRL NO. 1
OK.

GIRL NO. 2 (apparently named Jo Jo) ignores DOMINIC.

GIRL NO. 1
Jo Jo!

STRANGE WOMAN
Jo Jo!

JO JO
OK.

SPLASHING commences.

MOTHER tries to read a magazine in the lounge chair across the pool from STRANGE WOMAN. MOTHER is unable to read said magazine because STRANGE WOMAN is dancing in her chair and singing along with her music. STRANGE WOMAN is not a gifted vocalist.

A MAN IN A TOO-TIGHT BUTTON-DOWN SHIRT enters the pool area, pulling a wagon filled with THREE SMALL BOYS. His LARGE-BOSOMED WIFE follows. They position themselves directly across the shallow area from MOTHER.

DOMINIC (to BOY NO. 1, the oldest)
Do you want to play?

BOY NO. 1
No. I can’t.

The WAGON BOYS play together in the shallow end in front of MOTHER. There’s plenty of whining with no response from their parents.

A MAN and a WOMAN carrying the largest pool floats sold on the open market enter the pool area. They set up camp at the far end of the pool to MOTHER’s left.

STUFFED SHIRT stands up and begins walking around the pool area while playing on his phone. MOTHER sips her thermos full of cider and watches SHIRT track a pacing circuit in front of her. Her blood boils as he repeatedly walks within one foot of the end of her lounge chair. ANGRY MOTHER marvels at the fact that there is an entire pool area, but SHIRT feels the need to be all up in her grill. BOSOM strikes up a conversation with WANNABE MARIAH CAREY while SHIRT continues to pace.

MOTHER runs out of both patience and cider.

MOTHER (to DOMINIC and GIDEON)
Let’s go.

They exit.

(END OF SCENE)

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How healthy are you? How willing are you to do the things you need to do to be healthy? Let’s find out!

You are diabetic. It’s time for lunch. What do you eat?
a. A healthy meal featuring protein, fruits and vegetables.
b. Ice cream, baby!

But wait, you have a sore on your toe that won’t heal. The diabetes is obviously affecting your circulation. Now what do you eat for lunch?
a. A healthy meal featuring protein, fruits and vegetables, and then go for a brisk walk around the block.
b. Still ice cream. And also onion rings. (Get off your back!)

You go to the doctor for a routine visit, and he tells you that you are now permanently blind in your left eye. You are:
a. Dismayed. You just thought it was a side effect of one of your many medications.
b. Surprised. You had no idea you couldn’t see out of your left eye.

You have to go to the bathroom. You just had a mini stroke, so you need a little help. What do you do?
a. Wait until someone brings the pee jug to you.
b. Open up your gown and let it go like you are Manneken-Pis.

You are (clearly) having issues with your bladder. The doctor installs a catheter. When do you ask for it to be removed?
a. As soon as possible because CATHETER!
b. Never. It just makes peeing easier.

Your leg is wet. Your catheter tube has come unattached. Do you notice?
a. Yes. Um … pee!
b. No.

Despite physical therapy at the nursing home after your mini stroke, you can’t walk without assistance. To be honest, you have trouble doing anything without help. When do you ask to be released from the nursing home?
a. Not until you can walk and manage tasks on your own.
b. Immediately. Watching TV all day is better from the lift chair. Who cares about the risk of falling?

Once home, your physical therapist tells you not to use the lift chair to help sit and stand. You need to build strength in your legs. What do you do?
a. Listen to her. She knows what she is doing.
b. Tell everyone that she changed her mind. The lift chair is totally fine.

Scoring:
Mostly or all As: Congratulations! You are doing what you need to do to be as healthy as possible. Your family must be so happy!
Mostly Bs: You need to take better care of yourself. Think about how your health issues are affecting your family.
All Bs: Dad?

 

 

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Dear Family:

Many have asked how my father is doing after his recent “mini” stroke that necessitated a trip to the hospital and then a care facility. Many of you also have asked how I’m doing, as it’s no secret my relationship with my incredibly stubborn father has been strained over the past couple of years. Usually, I’m good with words. When it comes to him, though, words fail me.

Hence, I will describe what has happened/is happening using photos of bad taxidermy.

We visit Dad for Christmas. He says he wants me to look into assisted living places near us (as opposed to where he is, which is four hours away).

We visit Dad for Christmas. He says he wants me to look into assisted-living places near us (as opposed to where he is, which is four hours away).

 

After I took a day off of work to take tours of assisted living places, Dad calls to tell me, "Nevermind." He has decided to stay in his house with my stepmother.

After I took a day off of work to take tours of assisted-living places, Dad calls to tell me, “Nevermind.” He has decided to stay in his house with Kat (his wife).

 

Dad called. He had what he thinks is a stroke.

A few days later, Dad calls. He had what he thinks is a stroke.

 

We visit. He's fine. He will remain in the hospital for a while and receive physical therapy. He needs physical therapy. Everyone is happy.

We visit. He’s fine. He will remain in the hospital for a while and receive physical therapy. He needs physical therapy. Everyone is happy.

 

He tells us he is fine. He says we should start cleaning out his garage as he may have to sell the house to pay for full-time care.

He tells us he is doing great but that we should start cleaning out his garage as he may have to sell the house to pay for full-time care.

 

We spend an entire day cleaning out 1/3 of his garage. We took two truckloads of crap to the dump and three truckloads of stuff to the Salvation Army.

We spend an entire day cleaning out 1/3 of his garage. We took two truckloads of crap to the dump and three truckloads of stuff to the Salvation Army.

 

A couple of weeks later, I go back up to visit him in the nursing facility to have a chat with him and the therapist about next steps. Kat yells at me for cleaning out Dad's garage when I should have been sitting vigil next to him the entire weekend we spent doing what he told us to do.

A couple of weeks later, I go back up to the nursing facility to have a chat with him and the therapist about next steps. Kat yells at me for cleaning out Dad’s garage when I should have been sitting vigil next to him the entire weekend we spent doing what he told us to do.

 

According to Dad's legal papers, I share power of attorney with Kat. We have to agree on any decisions regarding his care. We do not agree.

According to Dad’s legal papers, I share power of attorney with Kat. We have to agree on any decisions regarding his care. We do not agree.

 

Dad is supposed to be released this week. There is no plan for in-home care. Kat is not speaking to me. Dad rotates among three main states: confused, angry, depressed. Only once in a while is he the dad I remember.

Dad is supposed to be released this week. There is no plan for in-home care. Kat is not speaking to me. Dad rotates among three main states: confused, angry and depressed. Only once in a while is he the person I remember.

 

I do not know what will happen next.

I do not know what will happen next.

If you are praying people, pray for him. Pray for me. Like the taxidermy pictured above, it’s not good.

Stay tuned,
Beth

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trumpbot-128663

Dear (M)all of ‘Murica:

I’m writing to request information regarding your return/exchange policy on The Donald that we received Nov. 8 as an early Christmas gift.

Some background: We tried to order The Hillary, but were told there was a problem with the email server.

It appears, however, that The Donald has this same glitch, among other problems.

Voice command override:
We tried to program it numerous times with numerous voice samples, but it refuses to respond.

False warning signals:
This model tends to beep for no reason beginning around 3 a.m. We are hard-working Americans who want to get some sleep. We can’t have The Donald bleating codes such as “MERYL” and “NYT” over and over.

Security issues:
The Donald was billed as a unit that would keep us safe. However, I’m more worried about break-ins than ever before. The unit is inside barking, “Come at me, Bro!” and “Cash me outside; how bow dah!,” which I think is egging on those with bad intentions. Plus, it won’t let in the people we invited.

Failure to work with existing systems:
Almost immediately upon arrival, The Donald refused to work with other units already in place. It overrode the sensors on various technology and tried to shut them down. Some systems are back up and running on alternative power, but others still are refusing to connect.

Low energy efficiency:
The Donald was billed as a unit that that would increase energy efficiency and protect the environment. However, the model has two pipes that could start leaking oil at any moment.

These are just five of the many problems with this model. We would like to return The Donald as it clearly is as defective as we had heard prior to receiving it. The limited warranty expired Jan. 20.

Line 25 of your operating manual gives some guidance on your return/exchange policy, but I’d like more details, a timeline and information about a replacement.

I know you have The Pence in stock, but I’m not interested in that model because its features are limited. The Ryan has numerous reported defects. I’ve heard The Sanders is on back order and The Kasich is out of stock indefinitely. What other options do you have? Do I have to wait for The Libtard 2020 or The Snowflake 2024?

Please respond at your earliest convenience. We are losing long-time friends because of The Donald, and it is scaring the children.

Eagerly awaiting a resolution,
Beth (and 65+ million others)

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Dear Legislators Hell-bent on Defunding Any Programs Dealing with Lady Bits:

The tweet above is funny (albeit hyperbolic). The executive order it deals with is not so funny.

Listen, no federal money supports abortions. That’s the deal already. What federal money supports is family planning and reproductive health. Can’t we agree that’s a good thing? More education, planning and birth control REDUCES the number of abortions. Isn’t that the goal? (Note that the Guttmacher Institute just released a report that U.S. abortion rates dropped to a record low, falling below the 1973 level  — the year Roe vs. Wade made abortion legal.)

If you defund all these programs, what are people going to do? If you state that life begins at fertilization and make abortion illegal, that is not going to stop abortions from happening (see prohibition, the “war on drugs“).

Why is this a women’s issue? Who is making people pregnant?

Yeah, that’s right.

But the burden is on the woman whether it is consensual or not (for birth control too). And the embryo seems to be more important than the woman herself. Why is that? If the woman has the child and struggles financially because the man is nowhere to be found, then she is a “freeloader.”

That’s just great.

There’s also the fact that there are about 540,000 children in foster care or waiting to be adopted, according to the Administration for Children and Families.

Want to ban abortions and birth control? Go ahead and ban sex.

You go first.

Constituently yours,
Beth

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mitch_mcconnell2Dear Mitch McConnell:

I hate you with a white-hot rage. I hate you like Kanye hates a drama-free life. I hate you more than I hate people who drive slow in the passing lane.

Why am I foaming at the mouth? Why do I hate you so much?

Here’s your latest comment in reference to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer saying he will block any Trump Supreme Court nominee:

Apparently there’s yet a new standard now, which is to not confirm a Supreme Court nominee at all.

Sweet baby Jesus, man — you set the new crazy standard when you blocked the moderate nominee Merrick Garland for 11 months! He was a choice people on both sides seemed to like. And you did it just to spite Obama.

And now you have the audacity to be upset that someone might try to block you?

headexplodeThat’s me, Mitch. My head is exploding, Mitch.

Politicians like you are the reason Congress needs term limits.

From 2008 through 2010, you “orchestrated the delivery of nearly half a billion dollars in federal funds, with a pronounced emphasis on projects in [your] home state” of Kentucky, according to a long-form journalism piece on you in Huffington Post.

Yet you haven’t managed to help the people of Kentucky very much. According to that same article, “More than 17 percent of its citizens go without health insurance of any kind, even as the state’s high poverty rate results in more than 880,000 Medicaid patients.” That’s government assistance, Mitch! Aren’t you, as a GOP leader, supposed to be against government handouts?

More of your greatest hits:

You complain about Washington gridlock, but you are the leading cause of that gridlock.

You filibustered your hateful ass off as Senate minority leader, forcing more than a quarter of all cloture votes in the history of the Senate.

You’ve even filibustered your own proposal. What the heck, dude?!

You shot down all of the following:

You are against anything having to do with support for women, such as:

You are against this legislation because you think, incorrectly, that gender discrimination in the workplace is a thing of the past. “I could be wrong, but most of the barriers have been lowered,” you said in 2014. You’re wrong, Mitch. So wrong. But as a rich, white guy, you don’t understand, and — worse — you don’t care.

Speaking of being rich, your personal wealth increased 786 percent from 2004 to 2010. How is that possible, Mitch? Yet more than 19 percent of the people in your state live below the poverty line. That makes Kentucky 47th in the nation in terms of wealth. We only have 50 states, Mitch!

Congratulations.

More than 30 years in the Senate — a CAREER POLITICIAN (and people seem to hate that) — and what do you have to show for yourself?

Very little but hatred. Yet you were reelected in 2014, which means we all have to look at your evil, smug face for four more years. You’ve even said you relish the villain role. Delightful!

I beg your constituents to hear my plea to boot you on your money-padded posterior in 2020.

Supremely vexed,
Beth

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Dear Leaders of the Democratic Party:

Now that my left-leaning self has cycled through the five stages of grief over not getting to have Clinton as president, I want to do a postmortem of the election like I did in 2016.

Here are things to consider now in preparation for 2020:

▪Pick a candidate people like or at least one they feel they can trust. Likeability shouldn’t be a factor, but it is (see Bush vs. Gore and Obama vs. Romney). Clinton is smart. She is a policy wonk and a hard worker. She has many accomplishments. She also has baggage from Bill, Benghazi, etc. (whether deserved or not is not the focus of this discussion). I loved her. She is a fellow Tracy Flick. However, most Republicans have never liked her and even some die-hard Democrats had trouble getting behind her. A perception of being secretive and scheming doesn’t play well when people are pissed about what they think is a corrupt system that doesn’t help working people. It says something when people would rather vote for the person endorsed by the KKK than your candidate. Yes, misogyny is at play, but so is that baggage. Yes, and some people are racist and xenophobic and voted for Trump because they saw a kindred spirit. That’s the worst part of this Trump win.

Don’t assume people are doing their research. Anti-intellectualism is alive and well. Memes speak louder than researched articles. Address perceptions and concerns in public early and often. Maybe you didn’t think the emails would be this big of a deal but the people who already mistrusted Clinton did, as they saw the private server as more evidence of suspicious behavior. And then there are the false equivalency issues, but that topic also is for another day.

Don’t just talk to other so-called liberal elites. Evaluate carefully the entire electorate. Consider carefully your approach. Promoting Clinton’s 30 years of experience may not have been the right choice in a year where Red State America is angry at the establishment and institutions they perceive to be at fault for the fact that they feel disenfranchised and left behind. It’s easy to blame the president, and they did (and yes, there’s racism at play here too). It doesn’t matter that the GOP has had control of both the Senate and the House for years and didn’t get anything done. Many of those who voted for Trump were mad at everyone in the ideological bubble — conservative elites included. Many Trump voters liked that he was an outsider who didn’t play by the rules. They truly believe he will shake up the system and make changes for good. And maybe he will.

Listen to the people in the party who are suggesting alternatives. Bernie Sanders was discounted, then seen as a nuisance. He finally got on board the Clinton train, but many of his supporters never did. If you really wanted to defeat Trump, you should have gone with a Clinton/Sanders ticket. The Democratic Party would have been more united and not throwing votes Jill Stein’s way.

Don’t alienate most of the country. Though the core liberal base really does believe that we are “stronger together,” many Republicans believe some people are not pulling their fair share. Whether they can or are or can’t because of institutionalized racism is a topic for another day. The fact is that many people — voters — have this perception. Speak to their concerns; their concerns should concern us all.

If you don’t understand the feelings of Red State folks because you don’t see all these people on news programs, then you need to do some research yourself and hold the mainstream media accountable. There was an overwhelming narrative that was contradictory: Clinton is bad (Look at all these emails!) and Clinton is good (Trump is crazy!). Many members of the media did not seek the full story of what was happening. As a result, election night was a surprise.

▪ Don’t ignore concepts that people think are affecting their daily lives — whether they are or not. People are upset about immigration and want something tangible done about it. People are scared of terrorists. People are tired of jobs drying up in the Rust Belt. People are pissed about Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) premiums. Clinton discussed these in the abstract while Trump talked about them in concrete terms, albeit wall-building, ban-implementing, fear-mongering ones. He seemed to put America first — perhaps only white, straight America — but that’s what his audience wanted to hear.

Remember to get out the vote. It’s shocking how many people did not vote.

You have four more years to get the party back on track. Get with it. Listen to Michael Moore. Shift party focus to serving all of America, including the angry white suburban and rural voter (see video above). Figure out concrete solutions to economic issues, homeland threats and fixing the problems with the Affordable Care Act. Hold the Republicans who control the Senate, House and Oval Office accountable for all their policies, and make sure they don’t roll back reproductive rights, rights for the LBGTQ community, support for legal immigration for people of all religions and nationalities, etc. Work with the Republicans to make this country stronger together. Make sure our institutions are working for everyone — the people upset by the past eight years and the people upset at the prospect of the next four.

Better luck in 2020!

Beth

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