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Posts Tagged ‘Holidays’

Dear Dominic and Gideon,

I’ve enjoyed spending time with you this winter break.

Gideon and I have developed a call and response that makes me giggle every single time.

Person 1: Good news!
Person 2: I saw a dog today.

(Side note to readers: If you are confused, watch this.)

At one point, I walked into the room where Gideon was playing “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare” in time to hear him yell:

My bullets are made in Arabia, so they never work!

I started laughing and couldn’t stop.

The next day, Gideon called Ryder for PS4 tech support. These kids either FaceTime or talk to each other on speaker.

Gideon started to leave the room with Ryder still on speaker.

Me: Hey! Don’t leave Ryder on the bed with me!
Ryder: Ew!
Me: (starts laughing)
Gideon: Mama!

Later that day, Dominic and I had an interesting conversation:

Him: Of Gideon and me, which of us is the funniest?
Me: A few months ago, I would have said you. But now, Gideon is giving you a run for your money.

But Dominic and I do have one thing in common: We are not party people.

Yes, we are both extroverts. But parties filled with people we don’t know can be overwhelming.

We were at my five-year-old great niece’s birthday party. It became too much. Dominic and I hid in the living room and laughed together.

The birthday girl’s older sister kept trying to lure Dominic out of hiding.

Very cute, but it was no use.

Anyway, our winter break bonding came to an end today. Back to the mutual grind.

But I am looking forward to spring break!

Love,
Mama

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Dear Highway Convenience Stores:

You are the great equalizer. You bring all travelers together, and do not discriminate.

Everyone will need to get gas.

Everyone will need to pee.

Everyone will need a snack.

Perhaps this:

I am addicted to Slim Jims, preferably the Tabasco-flavored ones. At Al’s Market in Forsyth, only a few original flavored remained.

Of course I picked up the empty boxes of the other flavors, and asked the cashier.

Me: Any more of these anywhere?
Her: They all got gone yesterday when everyone was traveling.

Ah yes. Everyone traveling over the holidays, including me. I drove back and forth to Savannah twice.

So I saw plenty in your environs.

Some things to brand me as the redneck I can be:

Some things to confuse me:

Who flushes part of the way and why?

Many things, actually.

I really am not that close with someone to make full use of this bathroom.

And some that annoy:

Should I also notify the cashier about missing punctuation?

Thank you for your existence, and for your capacity to amuse me.

Happy New Year!
Beth

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Dear Santa,

Though you didn’t come through with anything on my previous list (in fact, my eye is worse), you worked through my family to ensure I had a great Christmas.

Just look:

I coveted this shirt. Eddie has one from his pals at CrossFit Steadfast in Savannah. I donate to Goat Yoga Lisa‘s fundraising campaign every year. Now I have a shirt of my own!

This is the gift that will keep on giving. Not only am I excited about learning how to do this art at the February class, but I can write about it. I’m going with Revell, the guy who cuts my hair. So that should be a hoot.

Behold a perfect gift for any Murderino.

That gift is from the kids. They know I listen to “My Favorite Murder” as I walk to work. Eddie reports the following conversation.

Him: Those are really expensive.
Dominic: They are for someone who deserves it. She deserves it. Plus, I’ve been a jerk.

And suddenly both my eyes had issues.

So thank you, Santa. Like Bono’s girl, you move in mysterious ways.

Love and kisses to you and the missus,
Beth

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Dear Beer and Wine:

I know I’ve been MIA. There was no inciting incident; I just thought we needed a break.

It was a real break — a Ross break not a Rachel one.

Just look at this screenshot of my Dry January app.

Yeah. It’s called Dry January, but it tracks drinking for the whole year. My wino friend Goat Yoga Lisa suggested it. (The icon is a cup of tea, not a duck. British developers, I guess.)

It wasn’t just last month, though. Here’s October:

  • Oct. 5 was an ill-advised night out.
  • Oct. 19 was the Decatur Brew Fest.
  • Oct. 24 was the Big Freedia concert (one beer).
  • Oct. 28 was a glass of wine after a spectacularly difficult day at work.

My life has been kind of great without you.

Coffee and water are good company.

I’m not sure how long I’ll want to stay away from you and your friend liquor, though. Christmas is coming up, and I love a good spiked eggnog.

So maybe I’ll see you soon.

Love,
Beth

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Dear Organizers of the Atlanta Oddities and Curiosities Expo:

Thank you from the bottom of my freaky little heart. It’s like you planned the event just for me.

Taxidermy? Check.
Jewelry made from animal parts? Check.
Human sideshows? Check.

One of the first things I saw when I walked in (by myself of course because who’s going with me to this?) was this array:

I think my strange little heart skipped a beat.

Then I saw this:

Sadly, he was not for sale.

But creations featuring Ouija boards were.

I am not allowed to come home with occult material. I’m not even allowed to remind Eddie that we have a Ouija board in the house.

But I almost came home with this:

I decided against the leg. I’m ok with having things that might have been roadkill. But a giraffe is an unlikely candidate for that.

Instead, I bought a coyote face.

That’s right.

And I actually uttered this sentence:

How much is the face?

That was my only Buffalo Bill moment, I promise.

I didn’t buy the jars of teeth that looked like corn niblets.

I also passed up the pelts.

I even declined the dicks.

You know what I did buy? Mouse paw metal horns.

And a glow-in-the-dark necklace featuring a spiderweb.

Note: That’s quite a job title. Is there a degree in that? Or maybe a certificate?

I also bought some leggings.

The ones on the right will be my Murderino lure.

Sadly, I did not come home with an IV stand.

Or a sheep skin.

Or any of the many hot bearded and tattooed men in attendance. You couldn’t swing a (dead) cat in there without hitting one of those.

Note to self: If you find yourself single, don’t troll bars. Clearly, you’ll find life among the dead instead.

My potential Hinge pic!

Look, I know that photo isn’t as sexy as the glamour shots of someone’s monkey, but I do what I can.

Anyway, thank you for bringing this event to Atlanta. You’ve given me new ways to torture my family — just in time for the holidays.

All my love,
Beth

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Dear Alien Life Forms:

I’m onto you. Not only are you real, but you abducted Dominic. The replacement you left looks like him, but the insides are all kinds of jacked.

You know how I know?

Three little words he’s never said before:

Can I help?

I was rooted to the spot in shock.

This child wanted to help his brother and me make cookies.*

And he did. Kindly. Cooperatively. Carefully.

I was dumbfounded. And the sense of humor you installed!

While the cookies were in the oven, he also introduced me to two girls from school via FaceTime. He wanted them to meet me.

Um. What?

Later, we all were watching “Zombieland” in preparation for the sequel out now. He showed up and sat WITH ME under my bacon blanket (Thanks for that, Trish!).

But that’s not all.

Near the end of the movie, Columbus made a comment about the uselessness of Facebook and status updates like:

Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday.

I had been taking a drink when he said it, and I spit my water all over myself and Gideon. That made me laugh even harder.

I had to pause the movie for shoulder-shaking, gasping-for-air, stomach-clutching laughter.

Instead of getting embarrassed, saying “Mama!” and asking me to stop, Dominic started laughing too — as hard as I was.

So thank you. I’m a big fan of the replacement.

I’m betting you are really regretting your decision to take the original right about now.

Too bad. So sad.

Meanwhile, the cookies were delicious.

Sincerely,
Beth from Earth

* Gideon got 17 packets of M&M’s in his Halloween haul. He likes that candy, but not that much. Hence, cookies.

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Dear Gideon,

I’ve never written to you here. It’s always been your brother.

Why?

Because he gives me loads of trouble, and trouble can be funny (i.e., My mantra: Bad decisions make good stories).

You don’t give me any trouble at all. You help out around the house, haven’t broken a single phone, are an A/B student, earned Student of the Month this month, and do your homework before dinner.

You also are my couch chooch.

So when you were off for fall break, I wanted to do something special for you: Spend the afternoon at Six Flags. (I invited your brother. No surprise he didn’t come. And broke his fourth phone while we were gone.)

The day started with a ride on the Twisted Cyclone.

I look so calm and collected, right?

Yet moments earlier, you were laughing at me because of this:

I scream and laugh and laugh/scream on rides. It’s what I do.

Still, you agreed to be seen with me, riding rides such as Batman (front row!):

Eating Dippin’ Dots:

And being a fool in the Fright Fest decorations:

Thank you for putting up with me taking so many photos.

And screaming like a banshee. (And thanks to you, I do hear someone yell “chicken strips” right before the first hill on the Mindbender.)

We had a great time together. Though I looked a little worse for wear once we got home:

Not pictured: My jumbled organs thanks to the Scream Spleen Machine.

I would do it all again just to spend the day with you.

Love,
Mama

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