Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Facebook’

Dear Sons of Mine:

It’s been very weird for me for you to have phones and, with them, social media accounts. You know I gave you phones only because you had good grades and are fairly responsible (and because you not having phones was starting to be a pain for me).

The weirdest conversation so far was this one with you, Gideon, not too long ago:

You: Today is Glenn’s birthday.
Me: Glenn who?
You: Glenn, your boss.
Me: Wait … what? How do you know?
You: We are friends on Facebook.
Me: !!!

But strange conversations are now de rigueur. Behold (this convo comes after your father talked about your baseball team going from “last to first”):

And here is this soon-to-be classic from you, Dominic (you never text me unless you want something):

My head nearly exploded. Please, please pay attention in language arts class and USE PUNCTUATION (or you’ll never again get what you want from me, a grammarian who is a stickler for proper punctuation).

You both make me crazy. And also, I love you.
Mama

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Dear Kim:

Thank you for introducing me to the [name redacted] diet system. Like you, I am a busy Type A woman who loves rules. Packaged food helps as I often don’t have time to go get something to eat. And I hate the gym.

I listened to you for two reasons:

1. You lost 28 pounds in two months.
2. You said the food was delicious.

I’ve been on the system for four days. I have thoughts. Of course.

1. I know why you lost so much weight. This is about a 1,000-calorie-or-fewer-per-day plan.
2. The food is not delicious, Kim. Everything I’ve tried has the same flavor and texture. I feel like I’m eating dog food. (And now I’m concerned about the state of your taste buds, Kim.)
3. I do not want a personal coach/cheering section. This is why I don’t do CrossFit.

The coach part is the hardest. The system wouldn’t let me purchase the meal kit until I selected a coach. My coach has PLENTY of energy. She has contacted me via text, Facebook and phone at least three times a day since I signed up. Read that again. Kim. She calls me. You know how I feel about that. She’s very aggressive assertive interested in making sure I feel supported.

This is just one text she sent. A TEXT!

I can’t be too cranky: She really is making sure I have all the tools I need. She is more enthusiastic than I am about me hitting my target. And I guess I need that push.

Anyway, I’m drinking more water, eating less and walking more. I’ve already lost six pounds. Mostly water weight, I’m sure. But I’ll take it.

So thanks, Kim: You and your defective taste buds have given me the push I need.

Love and kibble kisses,
The slimmer version of Beth

Read Full Post »

Dear Fake News Media:

You don’t exist.

You are a figment of a certain someone‘s overactive imagination and marketing strategy to a willing audience.

You are an oxymoron. If something is fake (i.e., not real), it’s not news (news is real). News is not fake just because someone doesn’t like it.

You know what does exist? Actual news media made up of real people who work their butts off to inform the population and hold people in power accountable — the fourth estate that ensures a strong republic. (Oh that old thing … )

You know what is newsworthy? Here are the criteria:

Timeliness: happening now or just happened
Prominence: the person/entity involved is well known or powerful
Proximity: happening or happened nearby
Impact/consequence: affected or will affect readers/viewers
Novelty/rarity: out of the ordinary
Human interest: the lives of others are interesting

If it’s not out of the ordinary, it wouldn’t bear a mention. That’s just the way it is.

There’s a saying in news:

You don’t cover the planes that land.

You cover the wrecks.

Someone I know on Facebook (name withheld for protection) wrote:

MSM would be lost were it not for [Trump’s] tweets. They hang on every word, analyze them, and re-analyze them.

Um … yeah. He’s the president. What he says is news. Duh.

“Lost,” though? Not likely.

There’s plenty to cover without Trump tweeting.

It blows my mind how much we cover in one day.

That’s from Kristen Welker, White House correspondent for NBC News.

She said that last night in the AEJMC keynote panel, “Covering the White House: From Eisenhower to Trump,” held in Washington, D.C., and broadcast on C-SPAN.

(Yeah, I’m at a journalism education conference with other university professors/administrators — plus news organizations/foundations — and I’m still a journalist. Both of my professions are under fire. Lucky me!)

Those people who are suspicious of the mainstream media, though, should take solace in this fact shared in that same panel by Christi Parsons, former White House correspondent with the Tribune Company.

Because [Trump] is so personally antagonistic, journalists go above and beyond to double check.

The news media is not the “enemy of the people.” The news media consists of real people trying to do important work in a profession under siege by the person in the nation’s highest office.

Those who delight in calling the media “enemy” plus “fake,” think about this:

Do you really want to live in a country without independent media covering people making decisions with your tax money?

The true enemy of the people is the lack of critical thinking.

My advice to those worried about veracity and bias? Get your news from a variety of sources, as suggested by Herman and Chomsky way back in the ’80s.

My advice to the 43 percent in that poll? Please educate yourself about democracy and guy named Jefferson. Or don’t, but don’t answer polls. Skip the news, and just go watch Netflix and chill.

My advice to journalists? Keep on keeping on. Ask the tough questions. Submit the open records requests. Keep striving for objectivity.

We need you more than ever.

And tell me where I can donate so you can hire security.

Yours in solidarity,
Beth

Read Full Post »

Dear Mr. Trump:

I have not been in the basket for you. In fact, Eddie is a well-known bad hombre, and I’ve been a pretty nasty woman.

But thanks to all my uber-conservative friends on Facebook, I’ve seen the light (because that’s how things work on social media, right?!).

Clearly I was wrong about you. This whole time, I thought that your slogan “Make America Great Again” meant that you wanted to return America to a better time for white men — you know, when women and black people “knew their place.”

But, of course you can’t mean that. Here’s what I think you must mean, as this is what “Making America Great Again” means to me:

  1. Music on MTV (which stands for — get this — “Music Television“).
  2. Must See TV Thursday night line-up.
  3. Three-martini lunches (gone before I started working, but they seem like a great idea).
  4. Abundant fireflies.
  5. A dinner where no one checks his/her phone.
  6. AP style used “more than” for amount and did not allow “hopefully” to mean “it is hoped.”
  7. No texted weiner pics.
  8. The toughest tech to figure out was how to hit play/record at the moment when the DJ stopped talking.
  9. The iPhone had a built-in headphone jack.
  10. You weren’t in politics.

Sorry. That last one slipped in there. I guess I can’t even pretend. I tried.

I’ll be making America great STILL* with my vote today. I hope I’m in the majority.

And I hope this will be you tonight:

A flamin' hot Cheeto

A flamin’ hot, angry Cheeto

Please go away.

Thanks,
Beth

*even better, actually

Read Full Post »

Dear Karen,

I received this email from you last night.

screen-shot-2016-11-07-at-10-25-53-am

You must not have seen my last missive to you. You certainly didn’t get the message. The words in the purple box above are interesting, especially as I took a fresh trip over to your Facebook wall and found this:

screen-shot-2016-11-07-at-10-24-56-am

My reaction:

I will pledge my vote, but certainly not for whom you want.

Please go away.

Sincerely,
Beth

 

Read Full Post »

Honi soit qui mal y pense*

being-away-clarity-insane-thinking-of-you-ecard-someecardsDear Villain in My Life:

Hi there! It’s been a while since I thought of you. I hear you are at it again, though, smiling coolly while your internal evil furnace blasts away.

If people only knew all the lies you’ve told. You got what you wanted, but look at the cost. (Wait … do you see the cost? Hmmm … maybe not. You always were quite short-sighted.)

I think you actually believe some of the stories you’ve told though; you’ve told the lies enough times that you now think they are true. Don’t worry; I still remember what really happened. I have proof if you ever need a reality check.

Villainy, when detected, never gives up, but boldly adds impudence to imposture.
— Oliver Goldsmith

Someday I will make you a character in a book I write and I’ll use your words and deeds to make millions. I wouldn’t even have to write well. Just look at E.L. James’ success!

For me, living well really is the best revenge.

You, of course, are living the life you deserve.

Carry on,
Beth

* Motto of the Order of the Garter (Translation: Shamed be he who thinks evil of it.)

Read Full Post »

20140503-125422.jpg

Dear Facebook Friends:

I’m putting you on notice: I will no longer cringe silently and restrain myself from correcting you when you misuse the word “I.” I will now note the correction in the comments to your post.

It’s public shaming, I know, but you have to learn. I don’t know how you missed this in school, but I’m going to help you.

Use “I” when you are the subject of the sentence. Use “me” when you are the object.

Examples:
Correct sentence: Eddie and I went to Tennessee.
Incorrect sentence: This is a photo of Eddie and I in Johnson City.
(Test: Take out “Eddie and.” It sounds stupid, right?)
Correct sentence: Eddie told Linda and me to stop playing Candy Crush.
Incorrect sentence: Eddie told Linda and I to stop playing Candy Crush right now and he means it, by golly!
(Test: Take out “Linda and.” More stupidity.)

This may be painful for some of you. I promise it is for your own good.

You’ve been warned.
Sincerely,
Me

20140503-125353.jpg

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »