Posts Tagged ‘Bureaucrats’

Dear Trump, GOP and NRA assholes representatives,

I am a teacher, and I DO NOT want to carry a gun to class. I’m there to instruct, not take down a “bad guy.” (Armed teachers = unusually bad idea, even for you)

I have one goal in class: Teach. I work with college students, so they are paying my salary. My goal is to give them their money’s worth and more. I want to be the life-changing (life-saving in a different way) professor like Dr. Brightman was for me.

Part of my job is figuring out what each student needs (and I guarantee that it is not an AR-15 in their hands or mine).

Students usually come in a handful of personas. Here’s a field guide:

The Tracy Flick
Hand up first. Already has an A, but wants extra credit. “Overachiever” doesn’t even begin to encompass this student. Also can dissolve quickly if mastery doesn’t come easy.

The Ferris Bueller
Seems like he doesn’t care and isn’t paying attention, but he is smarter than the average bear. Often turns in the best work in the class without even trying.

The Jeff Spicoli
Sigh. What do you do about a student who is paying money to go to college, but is just a complete slacker? Love them anyway.

The Summer “Tinkerbell” Hathaway
This student is suspicious of you from the get-go, but you will slowly win her over if you do, in fact, know what you are talking about. And then she will try to push you to see how far she can go.

The Will Hunting
This student may appear to hate your guts during the class, but he will surprise you later on when he tells you that he learned so much from you. It is an unexpected, but joyful moment.

The John Bender
Hard candy shell with a liquid center. Seems confrontational, but is masking a deep-seated vulnerability. I love to see these kinds in five years when they are all well-adjusted and shit.

The Regina George
This student often is the most challenging because she has created a particular persona, and may resist your efforts to get her to think about anything/anyone other than herself. The trick is to help her figure out how to make assignments interesting enough to her so that she will enjoy doing them (thus learning in the process).

The Steve Stifler
Every female faculty member has this student’s number (meaning we know exactly who he is). No, we cannot have a meeting with my office door closed. No, we are not going together to the fraternity party Friday night. It’s great to see this student mature and even <gasp> get married.

The Sam Baker
This student is smart but can be quiet and thus overlooked. Pay attention to this one. Still waters run deep, as they say. This student often ends up being as close to you as students in the next category.

The Todd Anderson
With this student, you know early on that he/she will be in your life forever — and that is a good thing. You “get” them, they “get” you, and it is a lovely, symbiotic relationship. You start out as professor/student and morph into colleagues and friends later on. Some people in the aforementioned categories will end up in this one, and that is a lovely thing too.

I live to make a difference. And I live for notes like these:

That’s from a student who graduated five years ago. No surprise that she was a Todd.

I want to learn how to better reach every student. I do not want to learn how to better reach my gun.

I want to be accurate with grading. I do not want to be accurate with aim.

I want to get paid to carry full classes. I do not want to get paid to carry a gun.

Please, please, please find a different way to achieve the one goal we all want: peace in schools (and everywhere, for that matter). The answer is not arming teachers.



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Dear Legislators Hell-bent on Defunding Any Programs Dealing with Lady Bits:

The tweet above is funny (albeit hyperbolic). The executive order it deals with is not so funny.

Listen, no federal money supports abortions. That’s the deal already. What federal money supports is family planning and reproductive health. Can’t we agree that’s a good thing? More education, planning and birth control REDUCES the number of abortions. Isn’t that the goal? (Note that the Guttmacher Institute just released a report that U.S. abortion rates dropped to a record low, falling below the 1973 level  — the year Roe vs. Wade made abortion legal.)

If you defund all these programs, what are people going to do? If you state that life begins at fertilization and make abortion illegal, that is not going to stop abortions from happening (see prohibition, the “war on drugs“).

Why is this a women’s issue? Who is making people pregnant?

Yeah, that’s right.

But the burden is on the woman whether it is consensual or not (for birth control too). And the embryo seems to be more important than the woman herself. Why is that? If the woman has the child and struggles financially because the man is nowhere to be found, then she is a “freeloader.”

That’s just great.

There’s also the fact that there are about 540,000 children in foster care or waiting to be adopted, according to the Administration for Children and Families.

Want to ban abortions and birth control? Go ahead and ban sex.

You go first.

Constituently yours,

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mitch_mcconnell2Dear Mitch McConnell:

I hate you with a white-hot rage. I hate you like Kanye hates a drama-free life. I hate you more than I hate people who drive slow in the passing lane.

Why am I foaming at the mouth? Why do I hate you so much?

Here’s your latest comment in reference to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer saying he will block any Trump Supreme Court nominee:

Apparently there’s yet a new standard now, which is to not confirm a Supreme Court nominee at all.

Sweet baby Jesus, man — you set the new crazy standard when you blocked the moderate nominee Merrick Garland for 11 months! He was a choice people on both sides seemed to like. And you did it just to spite Obama.

And now you have the audacity to be upset that someone might try to block you?

headexplodeThat’s me, Mitch. My head is exploding, Mitch.

Politicians like you are the reason Congress needs term limits.

From 2008 through 2010, you “orchestrated the delivery of nearly half a billion dollars in federal funds, with a pronounced emphasis on projects in [your] home state” of Kentucky, according to a long-form journalism piece on you in Huffington Post.

Yet you haven’t managed to help the people of Kentucky very much. According to that same article, “More than 17 percent of its citizens go without health insurance of any kind, even as the state’s high poverty rate results in more than 880,000 Medicaid patients.” That’s government assistance, Mitch! Aren’t you, as a GOP leader, supposed to be against government handouts?

More of your greatest hits:

You complain about Washington gridlock, but you are the leading cause of that gridlock.

You filibustered your hateful ass off as Senate minority leader, forcing more than a quarter of all cloture votes in the history of the Senate.

You’ve even filibustered your own proposal. What the heck, dude?!

You shot down all of the following:

You are against anything having to do with support for women, such as:

You are against this legislation because you think, incorrectly, that gender discrimination in the workplace is a thing of the past. “I could be wrong, but most of the barriers have been lowered,” you said in 2014. You’re wrong, Mitch. So wrong. But as a rich, white guy, you don’t understand, and — worse — you don’t care.

Speaking of being rich, your personal wealth increased 786 percent from 2004 to 2010. How is that possible, Mitch? Yet more than 19 percent of the people in your state live below the poverty line. That makes Kentucky 47th in the nation in terms of wealth. We only have 50 states, Mitch!


More than 30 years in the Senate — a CAREER POLITICIAN (and people seem to hate that) — and what do you have to show for yourself?

Very little but hatred. Yet you were reelected in 2014, which means we all have to look at your evil, smug face for four more years. You’ve even said you relish the villain role. Delightful!

I beg your constituents to hear my plea to boot you on your money-padded posterior in 2020.

Supremely vexed,

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Dear Mitt Romney,

It’s apparently sweater weather in hell, as I have suddenly developed a bit of affection for you. In fact, I retweeted you last night.


And I don’t even think it was just debate delirium.

I wasn’t a huge fan of yours back in 2012. At the time, I thought of you as a used-car-style smarmy salesman peddling elitism (evidenced succinctly by that 47 percent comment).

Time and Trump have a way of changing minds.

You are like an ill-fitting prom dress that suddenly doesn’t seem so bad. “Maybe I can take it in here … and here … and dye it … “

Here’s a roundup from Forbes on Nov. 7, 2012, of why you lost that election. Nothing has changed since 2016 except Trump made it OK to be loud and proud about being racist (and misogynistic and xenophobic).


You clearly don’t like the GOP’s 2016 nominee. Isn’t there something you can do from the inside to bring the party back to its original values? Remember that the party of Lincoln touted “Free Speech. Free Press. Free Soil. Free Men.” (1856) and equal rights for all. Poppy Bush and supporters wanted a “Kinder, Gentler Nation” (1988).

I do too.

Awash in nostalgia (and ice skating on the River Styx),

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doDear Mr. Trump,

Hi there! I’m Beth. I’m no one you’d know personally. I doubt six degrees of separation could apply to us. I’m just a middle-class mostly white voter — a voter with typical human emotions like joy and fear.

I’m sure this whole “running for president in 2016” venture started off as a lark. You know, like it did in 2000. Deep down, you probably are as surprised as anyone else that you are now the Republican nominee. I know the 16 candidates who dropped out are pretty shocked. (I personally feel the most sorry for Jeb Bush. I can’t imagine Thanksgiving with the family.) It’s a strange election indeed when Jeb Bush is not considered a viable candidate.


Anyway, there’s been plenty of talk about you being, you know, related to SATAN, but I’m sure you can’t be that bad. I mostly liked you when you were on “The Apprentice.” I’m sure all your negative publicity is because of that danged liberal media. (I must have missed my liberal entrance exam when I started working in the media in 1988. I think I was part of the College Republicans then. Whoops. Glad my employers didn’t find out!)

But wait … isn’t Fox News conservative? They didn’t like you for a while either.

Anyway, I’m sure it is just a misunderstanding. I’m sure you are quite lovely in person.

I’d like to see for myself: My husband and I would like to invite you over for dinner. We have a modest house — certainly not Mar-a-Lago — but we are happy.

We are just trying to settle on the guest list. Here’s who’s on the list at the moment:

  1. Eddie. Eddie, of course, has to be at dinner because he lives here. I must warn you, though: He’s Puerto Rican. He was born in Puerto Rico. His family is from and lives in Puerto Rico. So maybe you want to stick to topics other than debt relief for Puerto Rico. He likes to talk about CrossFit.
  2. James. I also want to invite our friend James. I think you will get along well with him. After all, you said in 2011, “I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks.”
  3. Billy. I’d like to invite our friend Billy, but I’m not sure. He’s Muslim, so maybe he has to stay outside. I don’t want to offend you or violate your proposed ban on Muslims.
  4. Daniel. My ex brother-in-law Daniel likely will want to come. He’s Mexican, so I’ll get the kids to use their Legos to build a wall around him at the table. I think he bought them the Legos, in fact.
  5. Patrick. I think he’s part Native American, but he doesn’t really look “Indian.”
  6. Matt. My friend Matt is Jewish, but I don’t know if he is good at negotiating. I’ll check into that.
  7. Brian. He is a high school friend of mine who is gay. He’s single though. No problems there!
  8. My nephew. He’s from Canada (sorry), but he works at a bible college. As you are a “baby Christian,” he can help nurture you.
  9. My dad. He was in the military, but he wasn’t a POW. So that’s good.
  10. Royce. He’s a white male. I know you’ll love him.

Royce’s wife Sarah and I will be in the kitchen where we belong, trying to look sexy. (It’s our job, as you mentioned.)

I know you are busy — you are even having trouble scheduling important things like debates — but I hope you will make time for us. Please have your people call my people (my people = me). Looking forward to meeting you before the November 2016 election!

Earnestly yours,

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Dear Georgia Department of Revenue:

I see you still have not gotten your act together, despite my April 27 plea. At that point, it had been more than three weeks since I had mailed in my tax return that necessitated a refund.

Time passed.

Three more weeks.

The “Where’s my Refund?” portal indicated that my return had been received, and I should allow 30 business days to receive the refund.

I decided to call you last week (May 19 to be exact) just to see if I could narrow that field a bit.

I waited on hold for 30 minutes then received an option for a call back. I chose “yes” and got the requested call in fewer than 30 seconds (bizarre).

The foul-tempered woman on the phone revealed that my refund had been cleared for processing May 12, and it was in the queue to be deposited in my account. She informed me I should allow 30 business days.

That same day, the portal indicated that my refund was processing, and I should allow 15 business days.

This is what I found on the portal today:

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 7.17.47 PM

What the FRESH HECK is THAT? Ninety BUSINESS days?

There is a big difference between 15 business days (three weeks) and 90 business days (18 weeks) and even the 30 days (six weeks) quoted on two different occasions. Ninety days would mean I should have my refund by Sept. 16 — nearly SIX MONTHS after I mailed the return to you. You do realize that’s insane, right? Especially when you consider that I would have gotten it within 72 hours if I had been able to file electronically. Three more months from that date, and I’ll be filing for a new tax year.

Let that sink in a bit.

Get it together, Georgia. You already are out of whack in so many areas. Don’t add to the list.

I want my $2+!

I hate you. So much.

Sincerely angry,


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Dear Bathroom-fixated Bureaucrats/Legislators:

The abundance of so-called “bathroom bills” is mystifying to me. Why is this a thing? Am I supposed to carry my birth certificate with me just in case I’m stopped by the Potty Police? Can I not use the men’s room when the women’s room has a line 10 deep? Is there really an epidemic of pedophiles stalking children in bathrooms?

I’m not down with the POV of people and groups such as the Family Research Council on their support of these bills. To me, the FRC’s six “talking points” should never be spoken aloud, much less written. Are you folks listening to yourselves?


I am NOT worried about pedophiles in the bathroom preying on my kids. Why? Because my kids are old enough to holler at someone who is doing something inappropriate and/or leave the bathroom immediately and tell Eddie, me or another adult in charge. Do other parents not discuss today’s version of stranger danger with their children? If my kids were younger, they would not be in the public bathroom without me or Eddie. So I don’t really understand what the fuss is all about.

I AM worried about a different kind of filthy person: the kind who leaves the bathroom a crime scene. I don’t want to have to wear a hazmat suit to answer nature’s call.

Where is the outrage over pee on the seat and floor?

Where is the disgust over lady products wadded haphazardly in disposal bins?

Where is the fuss over floaters?


THAT is what bothers me on a daily basis, not the thought of a transgender person needing to use the facilities. I’m not even worried about sexual predators (see reason above). I’m worried about people who don’t wash their hands. Germs kill!

If you must have Privy Patrol, let them cite for infractions such as:

  • Burglary of All the Toilet Paper
  • Assault with a Deadly Scent
  • Leaving the Scene of an Accident

I’ll be writing my congressman.

Yours in Sanitation,


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