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Archive for October, 2015

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Dear Del Taco,

One of the best things about traveling to the West Coast is that I get to hang out with you for every meal. Yes, every meal. I love you that much. I love you so much that I wrote you a song. Well, Lady Antebellum wrote the song and I bastardized it.

Need You Now
Perfect little packets scattered all around the store.
Heading to the counter ’cause I can’t fight it anymore.

Does Del Taco cross anyone else’s mind?
For me it happens all the time.

[Chorus]
It’s a quarter after one, I’m super starved and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t go but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Another shot of hot sauce, can’t stop looking at the spread.
Just one more burrito, doesn’t matter green or red.

Does Del Taco cross anyone else’s mind?
For me it happens all the time.

[Chorus]
It’s a quarter after two, I’m really hungry and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t go but I’ve lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Oh, no!
Why is there no store in Savannah at all?

[Chorus]
It’s a quarter after three, I’m starved again and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t go but I’m trying to get my fix and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh, Del Taco, I need you now.

Please consider expanding to Southeast Georgia. Make a loyal customer happy.

Yours in Fiesta Pack Pride,

Beth

thumb_12lbbeancheeseburrito

This.

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Dear Tom Hiddleston,

Oh, hey! So … I didn’t see you there, what with all the other “it” guys. It’s hard to notice Loki with Thor and Iron Man and Hulk around.

But yeah, then “Crimson Peak” happened. And um … wow. So, I had to, well, write this letter.

When you as Baronet Sharpe looked at Edith (Mia Wasikowska) for the first time, I was all, “Hey, his eyes are kind of … piercing.”

Then when you leaned her back in the attic with a powerful kiss, I thought, “Oh. My!”

And then when you two consummated your marriage — your Victorian man breeches slipping down to expose a delectable derrière, I had to fan myself with my empty nacho tray.

So, yeah.

I’m not the only one who got the vapors. Bustle writers did too.

I just wanted to say thanks for opening up the field for me. Clearly I was loitering too long in Johnny Depp/Blake Shelton land.

Love and hot gothic romance kisses,
Beth

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Dear Delta,

I thought we were exclusive. I thought you cared. But then you wanted a three-way with WestJet.

It’s not OK.

I’m monogamous. I’m loyal. I booked my trip to be with you.

But then you were all, “I have this big project in L.A. and I can’t take you to Vancouver. WestJet will take you.”

And WestJet is the college roommate whose tooth got knocked out in a bar fight. And he might have herpes. And toe fungus.

WestJet had a few screws loose — literally.

WestJet did not inspire confidence. WestJet treated me like some random person when I’m used to the special treatment I get from you, Delta, because you recognize how much time and money I spend with you. WestJet turned on the air and wanted to charge me for a blanket. Delta, are you listening to me?

Yes, I know: #firstworldproblems.

But I care about our relationship, and I want to make it work. Make it up to me: Take me out, treat me well, and we can forget this ever happened.

Deal?

Loyally yours,
Beth

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